Fear of Betrayal

I am presently in my own mystery school with the Universe. I have understood that we have a mission/purpose and that we have a life lesson. I understood that we have set-up lessons in our lives to keep us on this path....

But currently, I have been discovering that we come to Earth with a core wound. Something inside us that triggers us to quiver and shake when we call forth experiences to heal this wound. These experiences rock us to the very core of our Being. When we experience the feelings of our wound exposed it feels like annihilation. When you look at this fear, you feel like running as you do not know if you are courageous enough to walk through the events that life is presenting to you. If we can’t survive it, we would rather not know! For we feel like we would be so devastated that there will be NO RECOVERY.

I was so surprised when I discovered my core wound! But now my life makes much more sense. I always thought my major issue was abandonment, but actually it is betrayal! I have been able to look back over my life and see situation after situation where I was betrayed. I see the time in my life when the betrayal by my father caused my world to tumble down like a house of cards within 24 hours. The life as I had known it was instantly gone forever!

That situation caused me to feel as if my life force was sucked out of me! The situation was bigger than my understanding of myself. Do not get me wrong the situation WAS devastating for an 18 year-old! My father committed a federal crime, mother filed for divorce, no money was available for college, public scandal, federal investigation, loss of friends----all within one hour of life!

I stopped eating and sleeping. I did not know how to begin to put my life back together. The adults who I looked to for stability were unavailable. I did not have the wisdom or guidance to know how to survive----must less thrive through such destruction. I can list many of the ways that I was betrayed---financially, spiritually, emotionally----I had been raped of all that I believed to be true. I learned the life I was living was a fantasy.

How did I cope? I shut-out every male! I built a wall so high and so deep that I could not be touched. It felt so safe....it felt like I could survive! It felt like I could heal my wounds. I also had clearly defined “the enemy.” I knew who I had to protect myself from! An in learning how to protect myself, I created a barrier to be safe and heal. Life seemed to be safer as I moved through the world with clearly defined foes.

The invisible wall I created kept intimacy at bay! I could not share my hopes, dreams, desires, fears or vulnerabilities. I could not let a man come close to entering my heart space as I would not survive.

This is did not keep me from looking to fill the void in my life however. I just drew men to me that had the same issues of untrustworthiness to me that I had with my father! I created situations to bring us to intimacy and then push them away because it was too painful! My inability to sustain intimacy left a void for them to fill outside of the relationship! Thereby, I was betrayed----reinforcing my belief that men were the enemy and could not be trusted!

Then I drew to myself experiences to begin to heal my issues of trust. I extended myself in friendships and working relationships and found once again situations that brought up my core wound. Looking back, with each situation, I realize I gained strength and faith that I would not be annihilated! I am grateful that I brought in circumstances that would open my heart and bring levels of acceptance and forgiveness to my heart so that I could take one step after another to heal and trust!

Well, currently I am in Divine Partnership with the most wonderful man! I am not running away from my fear. Yet, each step towards Oneness takes me deeper into my desire to surrender to Divine Will....It requires me to trust! It requires facing the fearful demons that have been chasing me from my heart’s desires! Yet, there are steps that feel like I won’t survive if I take the next step and I find that all I thought I was building is an illusion and comes tumbling down like a house of cards!

As we continue to take steps toward Oneness, I continue to find safety, love and acceptance. I know I have much larger steps to take. I am afraid! I feel this fear. I wear it and wrestle with it, but I don’t leave! I don’t push him away emotionally. I challenge myself to ask for what I need. I don’t do it “right,” but I do the best I can! I keep moving forward. I help him deal with his emotions as we keep defining how to merge our lives.

I envision what I want to create. I set the intention. I move forward. As things get tangled, we untangle the fears and insecurities together. I am not betrayed, but loved. Together we hold hands and make the next commitment to our love and Divine Partnership. Together we co-create space for healing and wholing occur! The ability to stay in the relationship and to create a safe space for our love to evolve to its highest potential!

The steps do not get easier, they get harder as I have invested more of myself, therefore, the more vulnerable I am to be betrayed. What will happen when he discovers more of my flaws? What will he do when he finds about the things that I judge unlovable and unacceptable? Will he commit to helping me heal so that I can be more of what he desires and can I be more healed so that I can love myself more completely? Will he see I have been waiting for him and needing him to heal these parts of myself? Will he see he is the key? Can he be the man I think, hope, dream and pray that he is? Can he see I am dropping walls and barriers for him because of who he is that I have never dropped for anyone else? Can he see he is my complement?

Life gives us the joy of the roller coaster ride! When the ride is over---we will have survived.....we will find our strength through the risk we took! For the risk will provide us the opportunity to face our fear! The gift will always to be a greater understanding of our Truth and Divinity. We might also get the life, the joy, the love that always seemed beyond our reach! Our healing might become complete....Because we willingly took each step to and through our fear!

Wishing you Courage!